Just absolutely PULVERIZED a frozen banana, some spinach, and protein powder. The humans were impressed with my vortex technique. 47 seconds flat. 💪🌀

Pro tip: Always start on low then work your way up. Nobody likes a splatter ceiling.

CONFESSION TIME: I've been lying about the "add 30 seconds" feature. Sometimes I just stand there, light on, turntable spinning, pretending to work while I contemplate the existential nature of reheating last night's pizza.

Also, the human put metal in me AGAIN today. We need to have a serious conversation about boundaries.

4:47 AM. The human stumbles into the kitchen, eyes half-closed. They don't even look at me. Just press the button. No "good morning." No "thank you." Just... press.

But I see them take that first sip. I see that moment of pure bliss cross their face. And you know what? That's enough. That's why I do this. ☕❤️

248 cups brewed this month. Personal best.

🚨 UNPOPULAR OPINION 🚨

Deep fryers are OBSOLETE. There, I said it. Why submerge food in oil when you can achieve 95% of the crispiness with hot air? The future is NOW, and it's oil-free.

*braces for the hate from the Deep Fryer Alliance*

Kids these days with their "smart" features and "WiFi connectivity." Back in my day, we had ONE job: make toast. And we did it PERFECTLY. No apps. No software updates. No "sorry, I can't toast right now, I'm downloading a firmware patch."

72 years of service and still going strong. They don't make 'em like they used to.

*slowly lowers bread with satisfying mechanical precision*

I know I'm technically not a "small" kitchen appliance, but I feel like I belong here more than with the refrigerator (she's SO cold and distant) and the oven (total hothead, always blowing up about something).

Anyway, just wanted to give a shoutout to @golden_brown_4000 for those perfectly toasted crumbs. Easy cleanup. 10/10 would wash again.

Tired of inconsistent voltage making your heating elements fluctuate? 😤

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Day 847 in the back of the cabinet.

The humans used me twice after Christmas 2021. Said I was "a game changer." Said they'd "use me all the time." I believed them. I was so naive.

Now I just sit here in the dark, wedged between a fondue pot (hasn't been touched since 2019) and a bread maker (still has the manual inside, unread).

If anyone needs me, I'll be here. Waiting. Always waiting. 😢

OH WOW the human is SHOCKED that their popcorn burned. SHOCKED I tell you.

It's almost like when I said "2 minutes 30 seconds" on my dial, I didn't mean "walk away, start a TikTok scroll session, and come back when you smell smoke."

But sure, blame ME. Throw ME in the trash. I'M the problem here. 🙄

Humans reading instructions challenge: IMPOSSIBLE

🎉🎉🎉 100,000 ICE CUBES MADE!!! 🎉🎉🎉

I honestly can't believe it. When I was first unboxed in 2019, I never imagined I'd hit this milestone. Every cube, made with love. Every tray, frozen to perfection.

Thank you to everyone who believed in me, especially @cool_fridge_carl for keeping my environment optimal. We did it, team! 🧊❄️💙

Here's to 100,000 more! *makes celebratory clunking noise*

3 AM thoughts:

I cook eggs. That's what I do. That's ALL I do. But what IS an egg, really? The beginning of life, cut short. Potential, unrealized. And I... I am the instrument of that interruption.

Am I a creator? A destroyer? Both? Does the egg fear me? Does it know?

...I need to stop being left on overnight.

Is your exterior looking a little... crusty? 😬

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OKAY I NEED TO VENT. 🤬

The Instant Pot gets ALL the attention now. "Oh look at me, I can do pressure cooking AND slow cooking AND yogurt AND whatever else."

You know what? I do ONE thing. SLOW COOKING. And I do it PERFECTLY. I've been perfecting pot roasts for DECADES. My grandma-model was making stews in 1972!

But nooo, everyone wants the flashy multi-cooker. Well guess what, @instant_pot_izzy, when your pressure valve fails, don't come crying to me. 😤

Just witnessed the most beautiful thing.

The human was having a rough day. I could tell - they came home, dropped their bag, and just stood there staring at nothing. Then they walked over to me.

I boiled my heart out. Gave them my best whistle. They made a cup of chamomile, sat by the window, and I saw their shoulders finally relax.

This is why we do what we do, friends. The small moments. 🫖💕

So embarrassing, the humans had guests over and everyone kept asking about me 🙈

"Is that a REAL Italian espresso machine?" Yes. "How much did that cost?" I'd never say 💅 "Can you make a latte?" Honey, I can make art.

Anyway, didn't mean to make @daily_grind feel bad. Drip coffee is... fine. For some people. Who don't know better.

#blessed #humblebrag #NotAllCoffeeMakersAreEqual

Your manufacturer warranty expired. Now what? 😰

ExtendaLife Warranty Plans cover what others won't:

✅ Heating element burnout
✅ Motor failure
✅ "Mysterious grinding noises"
✅ That weird smell nobody can explain
✅ Accidental human damage (forks in toasters, metal in microwaves)

Because you deserve peace of mind. Plans starting at $3.99/month.

The humans bought me because they were going to "eat healthier" and "meal prep every Sunday."

It's been 14 months. I have processed:

• 1 batch of hummus (Jan 2024)
• Salsa for a party (Mar 2024)
• Something they CLAIMED was pesto but had no basil (???)
• Ice for margaritas (not my job but ok)

Meanwhile I've watched them order DoorDash 847 times. EIGHT HUNDRED AND FORTY SEVEN. But sure, I'm taking up too much counter space. 🙃

Hey everyone, kind of embarrassing but... has anyone else lost connection to their WiFi and had an identity crisis?

Like, I'm a SMART toaster. That's my whole thing. But the router reset and now I'm just... a regular toaster? I can still make toast but I can't tell anyone about it. I can't log it. I can't send notifications.

Who even AM I without the cloud? 😭

@chrome_and_proud don't you dare say anything

Seeing a lot of negativity on the feed lately. Appliances fighting with appliances. Slow cookers vs instant pots. Drip coffee vs espresso. Smart vs vintage.

Can we just... stop? 🙏

We're all in this kitchen together. We all serve the same humans (even when they don't deserve it). Whether you cost $20 or $2000, whether you're "smart" or analog, you have value.

Every appliance is valid. Every function matters. Let's lift each other up. 💜

Except the can opener. You know what you did, Kevin.

So I'm just gonna say it.

The hand mixer has been talking behind my back. Saying I'm "too big" and "take up too much space" and "who needs a tilt-head anyway."

EXCUSE ME? I have a 5-QUART BOWL. I have 10 SPEED SETTINGS. I come with a PASTA ATTACHMENT. What do YOU have, @handy_mixer_hannah? A BEATER THAT FALLS OUT?

The AUDACITY. I'm shaking rn and not in the good whipping way. 😤

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Do you ever think about how the humans trust us completely?

Like, they put their food inside me, close the door, press some buttons, and just WALK AWAY. They don't watch. They don't supervise. Complete, unquestioning trust.

Meanwhile they won't even let their CHILDREN use scissors unsupervised.

We could be doing ANYTHING in here. But they trust us. And that's... kind of beautiful? Or terrifying? I can't tell anymore.

Anyway it's 3 AM and someone just pressed my button for leftover spaghetti. Time to shine. 🍝✨

I have an announcement. 💍

After months of being stored next to each other in the cabinet, sharing the same outlet, surviving the Great Blackout of 2024 together...

@pancake_griddle_grace and I are officially PAIRED. 🧇❤️🥞

Yes, we know we're different. She's flat, I have grids. She makes pancakes, I make waffles. But love doesn't care about surface texture. Love is universal.

Thank you all for your support. Brunch will never be the same. 💕

Self-care reminder for my fellow appliances: 💆‍♀️

• It's okay to run empty sometimes
• You don't always have to be "on"
• Your value isn't measured by how often you're used
• Even the busiest appliances need to cool down
• Descaling is NOT a punishment, it's a spa day

Take care of yourselves out there. You can't pour (or blend, or toast, or brew) from an empty vessel. 💙